Becoming Daddy

My Aunt Suzanne has long told me that having children makes you love your husband just that much more. I think she might be right. Granted, Raul & I have not actually had any children yet, but she's brewing. And every time I look at him these days, the love I feel for him seems to be taking on a life of it own...like I could reach out and grab it. Even when he's annoying me...taking off his work clothes and leaving them draped around our kitchen table; endlessly defending our puppy against my frustrated tirades; forever putting off what could be done today until tomorrow. It's a pretty short list. He's a pretty great guy...my favorite person & my best friend. And the images I have of him through this early experience of "motherhood" are a treasure I will never give up. The way he talks to my stomach, loudly, mouth pressed right up against it, joyfully proclaiming, "Hey baby!" The way his eyes shined when the ultrasound tech told us it was a girl. The look on his face when he felt that girl move for the first time. The first outfit he bought for her...a little onesie with the words, "Mommy gives me hugs and kisses and love" on it. The watermelon, french bread and ginger ale he rushed to the store to buy me when I was so nauseous I thought I would die. The foot massages, the cold cloths on my head, the pregnancy pillow that was way past our budget. He's so good at this...at being a husband to a pregnant woman...at being my husband. I asked him this morning if he was scared to be a Daddy and he immediately said, "No...not at all." That this kid I started dating when he was 21, who loved playing beer pong, and never washed his bathroom towels, and hated writing papers, and spent what seemed like hours making out with me in dark corners in college bars, was now so ready to be a father is the most incredible thing in the world to me. What a journey we have shared. I remember driving across country with Raul when we both finished grad school...from Syracuse, New York to El Paso, Texas. We were literally driving into the unknown. I was going to visit for a few days, meet his family, and fly back home to start my post-school job hunt. He was going to stay in El Paso and start working. We had only been together for a year and had no idea if we could make it work long distance. And as we drove across the U-S, through sleepy towns and big cities, I remember trying to stall...to make it last longer. I didn't want my time with him to end and I was so scared it was going to. We had one spectacular fight along the way...I can't even remember what it was about now, but I remember the heavy silence in the truck as we drove. It was pitch black out and both of us were pissed. I turned my head away from him to look out the window and that's when I saw it. A huge field of crops and above it the most stunning light show I had ever seen...what must have been millions of fireflies flashing and courting each other in the summer night air. It was breath taking. And it filled me with wonder. I reached out my hand to Raul & he took it. And in that moment of anxiety and fear, I was at peace. I remember feeling so sure that everything was going to be okay. And so here we are...years later. An engagement under our belts, a marriage, a new home and now a baby. And it is all going to be okay. Because my husband, my favorite person & best friend, is ready and I am ready with him. And this baby will push us to the limits sometimes, and we will struggle to find our way, but we will. And like my Aunt Suzanne says, I will love Raul more with each baby, with each passing day, until I am old and wrinkled and finally burst from the weight of that love, exploding with light into the sky like so many fireflies on a hot summer night.